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SD242003.15 - Duty Log - CO - "All Gone Sideways"

Posted on Sun Mar 15th, 2020 @ 7:50pm by Brigadier General Jonathan Grey

1,054 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
Location: Versailles
Timeline: Current

=^= CO's Office =^=

In the vast gloom, the sole source of light was a torch. From the center of the room, it reached out into the darkness. It swayed back and forth, illuminating swathes of glittering black floor, before lingering on a desk. It juddered a little, moving from right to left, before focusing directly on a small patch of flooring.

Fingers reached into the pool of light, holding a device. It was a magnetic grip, fresh from the emergency panel of some jefferies tube access hatch. This was activated, the green light illuminating the operator's face.

"Hrm." grunted Grey, Disabling and pocketing his torch. In his now-empty torch hand, he now held a second magnetic grip. Activating that in turn, he extended his arm and attached it to the floor. The other grip joined it in turn.

Step by step, the CO of the station pulled himself along the floor of his office. One magnetic grip would be attached, he'd pull himself further towards the desk, and then the other grip would follow, one hand after the other. His feet occasionally found purchase on the floor, where one of the smooth panels had warped, but mostly his legs just trailed behind him on the floor.

Eventually, the General made it to his desk. Designed to slide in and out of the floor, it had stayed up when the power had gone out; held in place by the warping of the surrounded flooring. Gripping the side of the desk, he hauled himself onto the side with the seat, and stood on top of his drawers, parallel to the floor.

Kneeling down, Grey sat on the edge of his desk, feet over the side. One hand slipped into a drawer and extracted a flask. The top popped off to create a cup, and the rest clicked open to pour a still-hot cup of coffee.

As he poured, a slight splash sent the black liquid over the edge, where it fell down past his feet, and plummeted to the far side of his office.

As he enjoyed the coffee, he mused on how the office was, quite literally, a sign of just how far sideways things had gone. Once, he'd have gone from Ops into his receptionists office, and a grav-lift would raise you up, through the ceiling, and into his office; a vast, hologram-enabled dome.

Now, though. Now it seemed his entire office was on its side. It seemed the whole thing had just torn loose in the bedlam, crashed through anything in its way, and landed edge-first in the middle of his receptionist's room, just off of Main Ops.

Credit to engineering though, it was still dome-shaped. Heck, the projectors even seemed to be in place. Hmm....


[[ Beepity. ]]

"What's the status on the General's office?"

Armour Integrity: 89%
Artificial Gravity: Offline
Life Support: Online
Defences: Online
Comms Array: Functional, On Standby
Shields: Functional, On Standby
Engines: Functional, On Standby

Grey blinked.

"Computer, confirm something for me."

[[ Specify ]]

"My Office. This Office. It has engines?"

[[ Confirmed ]]

" my office a *ship*?"

[[ Confirmed ]]

"When did that happen?"

[[ Engines confirmed present in original design specifications. ]]

"What? Whose specifications?"

[[ Specifications labelled Starfleet Academy ]]


[[ Starfleet Academy is a centre of learning and understanding, created by a diverse group of.. ]]

"No, no. Who were the engineers listed? Professors?"

[[ Jazzorz. Pikey Fresh. The Craptacular Dr J. ]]

Grey absorbed this information in stoney silence as he sipped his coffee.

"Computer, confirm satus of lead engineers at time of spec creation."

[[ First year students. ]]

"My office was designed by first year students."

[[ Confirmed. ]]

"And the way it ended up as the plan for my new office?"

[[ Respecify ]]

"Uh, what was the noted project justification for the spec?"

[[ Justification as follows: Hey Jazzorz! I hacked the spec DB maaaaaaaannnn!!!! Is wicked cool, innit! Oh, what should we give uhhhhhh.....this putz! General Jonathan blah blah blah..... Oi, give 'im the pleasure dome! Right on! Hey, you guys wanna hit this shit while I upload? Coz I am higheeeeee!!! ]]

"Pleasure dome."

[[ Confirmed ]]

"What is a pleasure dome?"

[[ Multiple features. Warp five. Regenerative shielding. Independent power core. Funk mode. ]]

"...Funk mode? Elucidate."

[[ Activating funk mode. ]]

"No, not activate! Elucidate! Damn, turn it off! Computer!"

While the General shouted, the holographic emitters around the edge of the dome sparkled into life. While a few sputtered, most were able to draw power from the independent core, and glowed brightly.

In the middle of the room, a glittering ball hovered near the ceiling, casting bright shards of light around the entire dome. At various points on the floor, a series of platforms were conjured out of light, and poles rose from the middle of those platforms.

"Ooops! I! Did it again!" blared music from an unseen source, accompanying the appearance of a dozen holographic dancers that started spinning around the poles with quite remarkable skill. All of these dancers were notable for being mostly-naked, toned, male, and Klingon.

His office was a All-Male Klingon Strip Ship.

As the General stoically drunk from his cup, deciding whether bombing the Academy would be overkill here, another figure showed up in the middle of the room.

This time, however, it was his Yeoman.

"Sorry to intrude General. I have the reports from...the...oh." Lt Rogers remarked, looking around at the Klingon strippers in their banana hammocks.

"I apologise. I've intruded on a personal moment."

Finally hearing the Lieutenant's voice over the music, Grey poked his head over the edge of the desk.

"No, wait, it's not what it looks like!"

"No judgement sir!" Rogers called back, pursing his lips to avoid a smile.

"Just hold on a second!"

"Yes sir! I'll wait for you in Ops! Don't worry, I'll advise your staff not to disturb you during your...private time."

At this, the Lieutenant vanished back down the main access hatch.

"....Computer, disable "Funk mode"."

[[ Cannot comply. Funk mode is hard coded to run for three hours. ]]

Reaching back into his desk, Grey pulled out a wrench.

"Then show me where the power core is."

[[ Confirmed ]]

"And one more thing. Access 'The General's Shit List'."

[[ File open ]]

"Add the names of the engineers for my office spec."

[[ Specify notes ]]

"Office. Klingons. Hacking. Violent reprisal. Save and close."

[[ Confirmed ]]

=^= End of Log =^=

Brigadier General Jonathan Grey
Commanding Officer
Starbase Versailles


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