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Backfired joking

Posted on Fri Jul 10th, 2020 @ 6:19pm by Lieutenant Commander Finchley Kerr & Lieutenant Commander Ky'La De'Lenn

2,013 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
Location: Promenade
Timeline: Current.

Finchley was walking around the promenade. As he looked, he could see a crowd had gathered and were shouting and pointing at someone. Not one who could stand by when a mystery tweaked his interest, he walked over and looked over the heads of some of the crowd to see who was being shouted at.

He had to put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing out loud. Instantly, he decided to join in and began shouting "Come on you dullard, get a bloody move on, I thought you Klingons were meant to be intelligent !"

Ky'la had to look twice at the voice as she shoved a large Bolian out of her face. Turning her attention to this behemoth of a Bolian, "You damned idiot fool you want this whole bulkhead to blow your blue ass into that black hole?" staring him up and down. "This is my damned station and I am going to kick your blue ass down to the brig unless you let me finish putting this power converter in and fix the power tap!!!" she yelled grabbing him by the neck. Ky'la was going to finish her work no matter what.

"Hey Kerr long time no see, mind lending a hand before I choke this p'tagh and toss him in the brig" she said sneering to the rest of the shop keepers.

"Sure thing Ky'La, wouldn't be the first time I dragged your sorry arse out of a situation" Finchley laughed at his friend "Just let me clear this place first" he added, winking.

Turning to the still yelling crowd he said "Under Section thirty, paragraph two of the Federal Emergency Law, you WILL disperse....NOW! Anyone not adhering to this will be arrested, their shops or work place closed and their contents confiscated and destroyed."

One of the shop keepers close to him said "Oh yeah, you and who's army?"

It was all that Finchley needed. His right arm dropped, the collapsible night stick snapped into place and Finchley turned to the shop keeper who had spoken out questioning him.

"That'll be me and my stick, shit for brains" Finchley said as he raised his arm with the stick in it and gestured that he was about to bring it down hard on the mans head.

The shop keeper raised his arms in self defence and yelled "Ok...ok...we get the message, we're just fed up that's all. This place was meant to be fixed by now and we're still waiting."

"Your wait will be longer when I drag you down to the brig for threatening a Federation Officer" Finchley said, quickly advancing on the man and putting his face close into the 'keepers. "I would suggest that you, and your...associate's... disperse now, otherwise this WILL get ugly, and you'll be the one's who're sorry. I'm going to give you a VERY well coined phrase that I want you to remember...'There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Finchley Kerr' you have that scum, has it sunk into your thick skull?"

"Y..y..yes" the shop keeper said, beginning to back up. Finchley looked round at the rest of the crowd and said "Anyone else still feel like dancing, if so, step right up and I'll tango with you!"

The people in the crowd mumbled and moaned and gestured to him, but they began breaking up. After a minute or so they were all gone, and Finchley turned back to Ky'La "Soft as cheese if you stand up to just one of them. They do seem to have a point though, you're still slow at your job" he laughed.

"Considering that I have 100 marines doing engineering jobs, 40 engineers that are exhausted, myself included, this station is still running. Grey is assigning more help for the repairs, but these shopkeepers are constantly getting in my bloody way" Ky'la said growling as she closed the panel and turned towards him. "You still look good! How long has it been?", she asked chuckling.

Hearing a shout in the distance, cursing, and the clatter of tools and machinery grabbed her attention, "Oh Fek'lar!! Now what?" she said and started running the promenade. Sliding on some liquid she wound up on her ass cursing as she slid. "What in the name of Kahless.......what the hell is going on?" she hollered at the group standing around arguing at how the repair should go. Marines waving their arms trying to shoo away shop keepers, civilians, and one irate engineer who she recognized as the guy she had put in charge of this group.

"This damned thing doesn't go here, it goes there", Jackson said to the marine. "No buddy, it goes over there!" said the marine.

"Both of you SHUT UP!!!" Ky'la growled loudly. "It goes there like Jackson said. First of all you don't know how to fix it and that is why he is here, to guide you! I can't be in 20 places at the same time although Versailles would like it if I could. And while your at it....", she said turning to look at the crowd, "GET THE HELL OUTTA MY PEOPLE'S WAY!!" she hollered. Growling very loudly, sent most everyone scampering save for one shopkeeper. He had a plate of food for Ky'la. Taking it from him, "Thank you Timson, I will come to the café when I have a chance", she said chuckling. She could not believe Kerr was standing off to the side, laughing his ass off. "Thanks for the help. Care to eat? It's good, try it" she said smiling.

Tears of laughter were now running down Finchley's cheeks, he hadn't seen anything so funny in such a long time.

"" Finchley managed to say" between intakes of breath "...and miss...all...that!" he eventually added. He waved away the food "I may not have eaten in a little while, but Klingon worms or beetles aren't my favourite so I can pass on those, got anything else? It's good to see you again as well by the way. I've literally just arrived on the base, haven't even seen my quarters yet, in fact I'm not even sure I have quarters."

He shrugged his shoulders, it wouldn't be the first time he'd had to rough it. He looked around the promenade, seeing the scowling looks from the shop keepers who were staring back at him and Ky'La or staring at the engineers. He caught the eye of one and beckoned them over, and slowly and cautiously they came. Finchley looked them up and down when they were eventually standing before him.

"You seemed pretty vocal a few moments ago, leading this rabble and being rather cavalier with your opinions" Finchley said to them.

"Well, what do you expect" they replied gruffly "we need power for our shops, and it's taking to long to get it!"

"Have you seen the state of this place, are you aware of how much work's required to get it up to scratch ?" Finchley then asked.

"I'm not an engineer, I'm a shop keeper" they replied.

"Yes, you are, and these people you're badgering are trying to help you, so badgering them and shouting abuse at them doesn't help them...or you, does it?" Finchley asked.

"Well no, but we..." the shop keeper began to reply.

"Let's show everyone what happens when you become tiresome and in the way" Finchley began as he raised his hand and gestured for a Security guard to come over. In a very loud voice he said "Take this shop keeper to the brig, charge them with sedition, attempt to riot and breach of the peace. That should be enough for say, three years in a penal colony", then waved his hand so the guard could remove them. The guard began dragging the shop keeper away and the 'keeper started shouting " can't do can't just arrest me..." and their voice became fainter and fainter as the Security guard lead them further away.

Finchley turned back to Ky'La and in a normal voice said "I think you'll find I can." He looked once more at the plate his friend was holding and said "Now, that's made me hungry again, what slop have you got there?"

"Oh nothing but an ordinary burger, fries, potato salad. Share it with me. I bet you haven't had real beef in a long time!" Ky'la said chuckling as she shoved the plate at Kerr.

"Ohhh, real beef, you actually have real beef here!" Finchley cried out, taking the plate and lifting it to his nose so he savour the smell. His saliva glands were doing a fantastic impression of a flood in his mouth as he stared in wonderment at the plate. Taking the knife and fork Ky'La had been using, he cut a little piece off and put it in his was magnificent.

"Oh, that's heavenly!" Finchley cried out "when you've been living on 'K' rations for so long, real meat is a luxury you think you've once dreamt up as a fantasy!"

He took another small cut and placed it in his mouth. The smile as he savoured the taste and texture was that of a cat that had got the cream. Placing the knife and fork back on the plate, he pushed it back towards Ky'La and said "Thanks, that was wonderful, but this is yours. So, how did you end up here piecing together this bucket of nuts and bolts Ky'La?"

"Well they needed an engineering whiz, and I was bitching at Starfleet about sitting on my ass. So.....I get a call at 0430 and its Admiral Reardon. He says, "You are bitching again Ky'la, so I'm sending you to Versailles Starbase. She needs your wizardry and I can't stand listening to your bitching anymore!" she said chuckling.

"You realise he doesn't like you and wants you as far away from him as possible" Finchley said, laughing as well "Come to think of it, he hates me...." he added, a thoughtful look now on his face "so that's why I've ended up here! He dislikes you, and he hates me. To kill two birds with one stone, he sends us both to the arsehole end of the universe to a station that's falling apart with an uncontrolled and unruly mob that takes liberties when they feel like it. He's hoping this place will kill us or at the very least get us out of his hair...actually, he's bald so that's maybe a little hairist of get us out of his scalp for good. Well, we may have to disappoint him a little and actually get this place up to scratch, what do you think?"

"I think so too, but before we start shaping this place up, I'm still hungry. Let's get to Tmison's and eat. I'm still hungry. That just wet my appetite. Wait till you try his apple pie and peach cobbler, mmmhmmmmmm!", Ky'la said puling Kerr in the direction of the diner.

"Hey, this is good, that we're both here I mean" Finchley said "Karadis is here to, looks like we're getting the band back together, all we need is Hawkins and Bellamy and we're set. I haven't seen them since we all went our separate ways after the Kirn mission, have you kept in touch with either of them?"

"Nope been to damn busy putting her back together. Jesus this is good food. Timson is the only guy to have honest to god real food. But I do hope we can get together all of us again", Ky'la said chuckling.

"I'm going to put the word out to Jericho base, see where those two are at. If we can get them here, it could solve a little issue I've been hearing about with this place...actually, more of an infection..."


Lt/Commander Ky'La De'Lenn
Chief Engineering Officer
Starbase Versailles

Lt/Commander Finchley Kerr
Chief Security Officer
Stabase Versailles


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